A big day for Emma...and me too.

Emma had her 4th swim meet of the season on Wednesday and it was at another lake. This one was even more intimidating than the first. First of all, it was much bigger and second of all the dock was so far above the water, at first glance we thought she would have to jump in from very high up on the dock. Thankfully this was not the case. I could just see the fear and anxiety in her little eyes as she frantically bit her nails.
We checked the schedule to look at her line-up of events and found out she would be doing the free-style relay with the 8 year olds. She was then to do the freestyle on her own, the backstroke, then her coach informed her she would be doing the medley relay with the 8 year olds, swimming first with the backstroke. Yes, there was quite the rush of anxiety in ME as I watched her go into total freak-out mode. Then to top it off she asked, "But mommy, what if I turn over (doing the backstroke), or hit the ropes, then the "BIG GIRLS" will be mad at me for not getting a ribbon?" My eyes started to well up with tears and I wanted to tell her that something like that would NEVER happen. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but fight back the tears and keep my smile pasted on as I wondered about her heart and mind as she faced such anxiety. All I could do was think, "I get it girl. I understand. I too am anxious about things...and scared sometimes...and insecure...and fearful...I really do get it".

Part of me was thinking, "Wow, this is no big deal...this pregnancy sure is making me emotional....she is a first-child, she just gets nervous a lot...this is just her personality." Then another part of me was wondering if this was going to be some scarring, life-changing moment for her that would cause even more anxiety for her for years to come. My heart just broke for what could have happened as her AMAZING coach grabbed her hand to take her out to the docks and I silently prayed that no matter what happened God would protect her heart.

It saddens my heart to know that I cannot protect my girls from anxiety, worry, heartbreak and just pain in general. Yes, this may sound dramatic and silly coming from a mom who is 8 months pregnant but as a mom, I want to protect them. Parenting teaches me about Gods love for us. And how He longs to protect us but sometimes we just have to stumble and fall to learn and grow. And He is always there to comfort us, just as I will always strive to be there to comfort my girls when they stumble and fall. While I want to protect my girls, I also want them to have every opportunity to find their God-given talents and abilities so that HE can use them for HIS glory. It's just that with every experience there is the potential of disappointment and failure which can have a HUGE impact on who we are and become, how we view life, how we relate to others, and even how we view a God that loves us and truly does want what is best for us.

So...as you might have already guessed...Emma gets it from me...fear and anxiety still creep at the door of my heart. As much as I constantly try to guard my heart (Proverbs 4:23), I am daily reminded of all the PAIN that is present as a result of living in a fallen world and I sometimes think, "When is it going to have to be MY turn?...Life is just SO GOOD, surely there is going to be MAJOR heartbreak, loss or pain around the corner." (I know, terrible thoughts I have sometimes...)

I'm so thankful that God is quick to remind me in His word that this is NOT His heart. While His purpose for our life is to make us Holy, it does NOT have to involve such tragedy. But I ask myself frequently, "What if it does?" So...I just have to CHOOSE EVERY DAY to remind myself that I am covered by His grace and my response to that should be to trust HIM in all things and lean NOT on my own (VERY limited) understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6) He loves me and He has rescued me more than once from the mud and mire and given me a firm place to stand...(Psalm 40:2) while offering peace...and hope. And so everyday as my heart battles to comprehend how much God can love me, I will choose to believe in these truths.

To my girls...I will always pray that no matter what circumstance you are faced with in this life, you will make the choice EVERY DAY to believe in God's grace, His incredible LOVE for you and the truth that HOPE is available for your choosing.

Whoa...did I mention I was 8 months pregnant??


On a lighter note, my girl did INCREDIBLE in ALL of her events, did not turn over OR hit the ropes in her backstroke races and came home with 3 ribbons! (two Third place and one second!) And I was just proud of her for jumping in and overcoming such anxiety :)